


a supercut of us

by seratonins



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternative Universe - Disbandment, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Kinda, i wrote this listening to lorde's supercut so blame this on her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seratonins/pseuds/seratonins
Summary: No one says anything for a long time, probably a full minute. It’s cold outside, but the stars are shining and it looks beautiful; not like in the city, where they can barely be seen (it’s one of the reasons she moved here, after all). If she stares hard enough she might even forget how miserable she feels; how Nayeon makes her feel like a weapon.“He wanted to know how I was doing,” Nayeon clarifies.“I didn’t ask,” she slurs back at her. Dahyun rests her body against the wall and slides down to the floor to sit because she thinks her legs might give up on her.Nayeon drunkenly giggles. “I don’t deserve him.”I don’t think anyone deserves you, she wants to say. She doesn’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Kim Dahyun, background Son Chaeyoung/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 18
Kudos: 350





	a supercut of us

It's not a matter of when but _how_ when Dahyun rolls around in bed at three AM and thinks about calling Im Nayeon.

Life's been good so far – amazing even. She's spent ten years touring around the world and singing with other nine girls while crowds screamed for them so much even now she sometimes feels like maybe one of her eardrums doesn't work properly; probably the best years of her life. In the end the fame had died down a little and each member was already thinking about their own paths, but Twice had gone out in history as the most successful k-pop girl group of its generation, so Dahyun can't complain about that.

And life's been quiet since then. She's moved to this quiet little town on the outskirts of Seoul, goes to church every Sunday and thinks about starting a family. People recognize her in the street and she says hi, politely, still feeling grateful for the recognition and love after all these years, but she doesn't chase the fame like she used to. She's not the same girl; she feels a little wiser.

She still calls and talks with her fellow ex-members. Chaeyoung is still rapping, she's just not as single anymore (apparently a very cute and famous ex-Idol too, but she doesn't dare to ask, she knows how messy it can all be), and Tzuyu has gone on to become a model in Taiwan. But they still talk pretty much every day, and they visit just as much as they can. Momo, Sana and Mina have remained inseparable too and insist on FaceTiming her at least once a week from Japan; and Jihyo's always texting anyway, asking how things are going and always sending pics of her sons because she can't stand to talk about anything else for more than three minutes, and Jeongyeon makes sure to call when she can and ask how she's doing despite probably being incredibly busy with filming her dramas and movies.

She's stayed in touch with each and every single one of them.

Well, all except for one. With Nayeon... everything has always been different. Nayeon is different.

Dahyun isn't sure when she started noticing the way Nayeon would flinch away when she was near, or the way she'd never acknowledge her presence when she was with her, or how she'd do everything to be away from her – all that Dahyun knew was that it hurt for the longest time. It hurt until the group disbanded and she stopped talking to her, and it hurts now to think about. When she looks back on every single interaction she can't pinpoint what she did wrong, or the moment things started changing or when Nayeon decided she was barely part of the group she was in.

Nayeon lives in London now, she knows. She's a singer there too, and there are rumors she's dating this big shot white English actor that she doesn't even know but Jihyo talks and teases her about him in their group chat all the time. And she's just released a song and a music video today but she can't bring herself to watch it for some reason; can't drag her fingers through her phone and click play and just watch her through a screen.

She tosses and turns around her bed tonight; can't stop thinking about her. She thinks about watching the stupid music video, sending her some generic congratulations message and being done with it but she can't stand the thought of seeing and listening to her through a screen after so long and she can't explain to herself why. And just because she wants to distract herself from whatever she's feeling, Dahyun grabs her phone and texts Sana, who is most likely awake too anyway, probably with Momo doing God knows what.

She doesn't think much before sending, _did you watch Nayeon's music video?_ As if she forgot the exact reason she's texting her in the first place.

Dahyun's hand instinctively flies to her mouth and she bites her nails, a habit she never quite grew out of. Sana doesn't take much in responding.

_Yes, it was sooo good TT Did you like it Dahyun-ah? ~_

Dahyun spends the next half-second debating on whether or not to lie and say she watched it and loved it, but it's always been especially hard to lie to Sana so she just tells her the truth.

_i didn't watch it_

She thinks about typing something else to add, but she can't really think of anything else, so she just presses send. Sana replies almost immediately with a, _hmmm_. And before she can even ask her what she means by that Sana replies back, _I'm talking to Nayeon unnie right now. I'm going to tell her you didn't watch her video!! >.<_

Dahyun rolls her eyes at her phone but feels her heart almost jump off her ribcage at the threat, _don't be like that, i just haven't had the time_. And then she adds because she can't help herself, _i don't think she cares if i watch it or not._

Her phone vibrates almost instantly.

_Don't say that, Nayeon cares a lot more than you think she does_

Dahyun can't herself and she huffs at her screen when she reads that. Sana's always been too positive, especially about her relationship with Nayeon.

_i don't think she cares because it's me_

Now Sana takes a little longer to reply, so Dahyun just stares at her own message for what it feels like five entire minutes, reading those words over and over. It's never been easy to digest, and it's not gotten easier now, five years later. She can joke about it now because she's almost built this... rock around the subject – no one talks about it, everyone tiptoes around it, but it's there constantly.

Sana replies with a, _You'll see her soon. She promised she'll come this year._

She means their yearly reunion (this little weekend trip they all spent at one of each other's houses, but Jihyo insists they call it a sleepover party instead of a reunion because she says it reminds her too much of the fact they haven't seen each other in way too long), which Nayeon has been avoiding like the plague ever since the group disbanded. It's in her own house this time, and it's in approximately three weeks from now but Dahyun knows Nayeon promises she's coming every year and she always manages to pull some bullshit excuse to skip. So she shakes her head and writes back, _i wouldn't count on it._

 _Have a little faith_ , Sana replies back. Then a second later, have a good night, _Dahyun-ah <3_

"Do you want me to bring sodas?" Jihyo asks as Dahyun finishes up with the dishes while balancing the phone on her shoulder. "I'm making kimchi and kongbap, but I don't think that'll be enough."

"Ah, bring some if you want," Dahyun responds, putting down the last glass on the sink. "You know, you really shouldn't bother yourself this much when you have two kids. We should be annoying Chaeyoung with all this food."

"She's bringing some strawberry desserts, let her be," Jihyo giggles slightly from the other line, "plus we need more food now that Mina's pregnant."

Dahyun hums. "Can she fly from Japan with her belly? Isn't it like, dangerous?"

"She's on her second trimester, it's not dangerous yet," Jihyo explains, then she hears some yelling in the background and Jihyo's screaming at her kid to put her brother's diapers off of his head.

"I don't know how you do it," Dahyun cringes at the mental image.

"Motherhood is a wonderful thing, Dahyun," she chastises, "plus I get free entertainment now that you guys aren't around to keep me company. I was always the mom of the group, so maybe it comes naturally to me."

"And Jeongyeon the dad," she hums, smiling at the memories. "She ran that dorm like the military some days."

"She liked things to be clean," Jihyo laughs. "I saw her the other day, we went out for a coffee."

"How's she?" She asks, sitting down at her kitchen table. "We talk a lot, but I feel like I haven't seen her in forever. Her new show is a success; it's all over the news."

"She's really happy, and don't tell anyone I told you this," She can picture Jihyo leaning into her phone when she whispers, "I'm only telling you because you're my favorite maknae. She's dating."

Dahyun almost gasps, "Seriously?"

"Yup," Jihyo confirms. "It's an ex-Idol too, but she wouldn't tell me their name or who it s."

"Maybe we can coax it out of her when she comes here this weekend," Dahyun nods her head (jokingly, although she kind of feels like Jihyo is capable of coaxing anything out of anyone). "Also, I always knew I was your favorite younger member."

"You were always the best at cooking," Jihyo responds, probably nodding even though Dahyun can't see her. "And Nayeon's my favorite oldest member even though she never comes to the reunions because she's funnier than Jeongyeon."

The mention of Nayeon makes Dahyun tense and grow a little quieter – and Jihyo can't see her, but she's sure she senses the change in the atmosphere because she can hear her shift in her own seat, wherever she's sitting.

"Have you spoken to her?" She asks.

"Not really," she responds. She hasn't even heard her new song.

"Why not?"

Dahyun purses her lips and resists the urge to roll her eyes even though Jihyo can't even see her. "Because she never replies back anyway."

"That's not true," and Jihyo has her mediator mom tone on. "She replies a little late, that's all."

"Correction, she never replies back to me."

And Jihyo can't even deny that because she's right. Nayeon has always, always avoided her. She knows that when she comes to visit her family in Korea it's not her who she comes to see; it's Jeongyeon back in Gagnam, or Jihyo in Hanju, or Chaeyoung in Itaewon, but never her. She's almost a distant memory at this point; her face is blurred. Maybe it's because she thinks of her as more of a ghost than a person why she's so afraid to watch a stupid music video.

"Listen," Jihyo swallows after a beat of silence. "I know she's not the easiest person. And you aren't either. I know you guys have problems, I just - talk to her?"

"She doesn't want to talk to me," she says, but it doesn't come out as she intended it to. It sounds more like self-pity than indifferent. Like she's begging for advice rather than wanting to end the conversation.

"She's stubborn," Jihyo tries to reassure. Dahyun knows this hurts her; the thought of both of them not liking each other. "She doesn't know how to act, sometimes. Just give her a chance to explain herself."

Explain what, anyway? Why she's always singled her out? Why she can't stand the thought of being in the same room as her? Dahyun isn't even sure she wants to know. There's this part of her that begs for answers and the other that wants everything to be locked up inside a vault in the deepest corner of her subconscious so she doesn't have to know, so she doesn't even have to think about it.

"She won't come to the reunion, you know," she says instead. It sounds bitter. "She always does the same thing. She'll tell everyone she's coming so they don't get sad and then she won't show up."

"Yeah, but maybe..." Jihyo trails off for a second. "Maybe this time will be different. Maybe she'll actually come this time."

She's a little too old to hope. Maybes and what-ifs don't cut it anymore.

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"Talk to her," Jihyo says, "convince her."

When Jihyo and her say goodbye, Dahyun goes back to her normal routine, except it's not like always because for some reason she can't stop thinking about the conversation. It's been hard to keep Nayeon away from her thoughts these past few days, and the phone call had done nothing to help her situation. If anything, her mind can't stop racing. _Talk to her._

She stares at the phone laying in her nightstand. Dahyun shakes her head and turns away from it, facing the wall. She closes her eyes and forces herself to fall asleep.

But Jihyo's voice still plays like a record inside her head. _Talk to her. Talk to her. Talk to her. TALK TO HER._ Dahyun groans and presses her face against her pillow in dread, screams into it for like five seconds then turns around and reaches for her phone.

 _Hello_ , she types, but then she scraps it. It sounds too formal _. Hi_ , but then she deletes it again. She shakes her head slightly because she feels so incredibly stupid, then settles for a _hey, ~~I miss~~ are you coming this weekend?_

She waits for ten minutes in which she spends all of them endlessly scrolling through social media and every silly useless app she's ever downloaded to somehow distract herself from the way her mind is endlessly racing and her heart won't stop beating, but she gets no response. She checks the chat again, and the message status reads "seen". Dahyun bites her lip.

_jihyo says you should come._

She gets no response of course, but she wasn't expecting any honestly. So she just types the first thing that comes to mind because it's been in her head for far too long and she doesn't want to beg because she's never been good at it either but... but.

_it's been five years since i last saw you. please call me._

Then five minutes later her phone rings and she picks it up without even checking who it is, she just holds her breath and hopes for something she doesn't quite know what it is and says,

"Hello?"

"Do you want me to be there?" Nayeon asks from the other side of the line, no small talk and no hellos like it's always been with her. She sounds a little agitated, anxiousness evident in her voice.

Dahyun wants her to come.

"I don't know," she says instead. "Do you want to?"

"I asked you first," answers Nayeon, exasperated. Dahyun can picture her running a hand through her hair, sighing. "Don't turn this on me. This is about you."

That makes her grow a little angry because of course Nayeon is going to turn this whole thing against her. This isn't about her; this is about Nayeon running away and Dahyun never being fast enough to catch up with her.

"This is about you not coming to the stupid fucking reunion," she says as much; she doesn't feel proud of herself for cursing, but it's Nayeon and she always had a way of bringing out the worst in her, "this isn't about me. Why wouldn't I want you to be here? You're..." _my friend_ , she wants to say, but she doesn't know if they are even that (truth be told she doesn't even know what they are), so she just lets the sentence trail off.

Dahyun thinks she hears Nayeon swallow. "I'm too busy," she says.

"Okay," she shakes her head like Nayeon can see her all the way back in London. She doesn't know what the hell she was expecting; maybe everything but the emptiness in her chest that feels like it cuts off her breath.

There's a pause. "Is that it?"

"Do you want me to beg?" Dahyun asks, biting her lip. She always was one for theatrics anyway. "To tell you that I want to see you and that I miss you?"

"You don't miss me?" And somehow she sounds so small and so far away, so unlike anything she's ever thought of her as. She doesn't even think about her question.

"Do _you_ miss _me_?" She doesn't know why she feels so hurt by her own question. Maybe it's all those years of uncertainty, maybe those infinite games of cat and mouse – _do you like me? Do you hate me? Do you know I exist?_ – are finally catching up to her and they bring a strange sort of tiredness with them, the kind that makes her bones feel heavy.

There's silence on the other side of the line. Dahyun swallows, hard, because she knows that she hasn't, she never does, she never even thinks about her. The silence does nothing but make her chest feel like its being held down by a wall of bricks.

"This is stupid -" she starts, but Nayeon cuts her off.

"I'll be there," she says. "I promise."

 _Your promises never mean anything_ , she wants to say. "Okay," she says instead.

"Jeongyeon's been bothering me about it anyway," Nayeon adds, just to fill the silence awkwardly. "And Sana too, she keeps calling me about it."

"Okay," she repeats because she's not fully convinced she's even coming. There are at least another four seconds of silence, and Dahyun knows she can't stand it – Nayeon has never been good with silence. Maybe because her mind races so much and she can't really stand to be left alone with her thoughts.

"I mean it," Nayeon sighs. "I... I'll be there."

Dahyun bites her lip. "You better," she means it as a joke, but it doesn't quite land.

"Okay," Nayeon says (it sounds like she's nodding) and she hangs up after that, with no goodbye said. No hellos, no goodbyes and no pleasantries. Maybe that's an appropriate summary of Im Nayeon.

Chaeyoung almost tackles her to the ground when she opens the door (which is an exaggeration honestly because she visited her like a month ago but she always jokes about growing weaker when she isn't near her for too long after being attached to the hip all those years), Jeongyeon and Jihyo right behind her, smiling ear to ear.

"You're choking me!" She gasps, but she only manages to get the other to hug her even tighter.

And Jeongyeon and Jihyo share their hug (Jeong is never good with PDA but she's missed her so she's less mindful of it and Jihyo would probably kill her if she started acting embarrassed now after not seeing her for so long), and they also do their best to crush her as much as they can.

"You look so tall!" (Low blow from Chaeyoung).

"You dyed your hair black again?!"

"You look tired, have you been sleeping well?"

"Oh my God, everyone shut up," Dahyun giggles as everyone circles her. "You all just got here and you're already making me feel like a baby again and I'm thirty now."

"You are a baby," Chaeyoung nods.

"You're younger than me!"

Chaeng rolls her eyes. "It's about the attitude, duh. Plus you don't look a day over 15."

"Exactly," Jihyo nods. "You'll always be our baby."

"Save that for when Tzuyu gets here," Dahyun purses her lips, but there's no bite to the comment. She's too fond of them, they softened her too much. 

"Oh God, _Tzuyu_ ," Jihyo squeals.

"You leave your kids to become the mom of some thirty-year-olds," Jeongyeon snorts in disbelief as Chaeyoung laughs beside her, hitting her slightly against the shoulder. "This weekend is to relax and catch up and forget about the two demons in your house."

"I can't help it!" Jihyo pouts slightly. "It's all I do these days. Jungwoo and Junghyun take up my entire life, like you guys used to do when we shared the dorm."

"And Mina's pregnant now," Chaeng nods. "Now there'll be two moms in the group."

Jihyo has a smirk on her face when she slightly nudges her on the shoulder, a suggestive eyebrow raise. "Are you planning on also giving me nephews, Chaeyoung-ah?"

Chaeyoung looks horrified. Everyone else just bursts into laughter.

Dahyun guides them to the kitchen before Jihyo plays another joke that scars Chaeyoung and puts the kettle on the stove to make some tea while the rest settle on the table. All of them have already been here at some point, so they know what the place looks like, but it always brings her joy to see them in their home. She always misses them; she likes the quiet, but she always feels like something is missing on such a big house like this – like it's missing eight incredibly loud and annoying girls that always fill the heaviest of silences.

They chat for a while, catching up a bit on their lives and Jihyo fills Dahyun in on the four-hour road trip with the two demons of Twice in which Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung spent playing pranks on each other, on Jihyo and mocking her Prius calling her a "soccer mom" (which is incredibly offensive to Jihyo for some reason which just makes it funnier).

She huffs. "At least call me a _milf_."

Dahyun is so, so grateful they are here and distracting her from her own thoughts. She's spent the entire day walking around her house in circles, wondering how the Hell she's even supposed to act around Nayeon when she gets here. It's when they are all almost crying of laughter that the doorbell rings, and it's no doubt the girls coming back from the airport. Dahyun takes a minute to compose herself and open the door, and then she is _actually_ being tackled to the ground by Thing 1 and Thing 2 (Sana and Momo), who are screaming at her in greeting.

They don't let go even when they fall to the floor and Dahyun squeals in fear – then Mina is walking past them on the floor as Dahyun screams for help to say hello to everyone who now comes into the living room to greet them, Tzuyu giggling in the entrance until she spots Chaeyoung running towards her and also choking her almost to the ground when she clings to her neck.

Sana is forcefully removed from her because Jihyo is rightfully claiming her hug, Momo following shortly after (adding a tasteful squeeze of her butt that has Jihyo blushing and threatening to tell about it to her spouse) and it's Mina's turn to hug her. She whispers questions and statements to her ear in that sweet voice of hers; Mina's always had a way of making a moment feel private even in a room full of people.

It's Tzuyu's turn to hug her next (once she manages to untangle herself off of Chaeyoung), who always gives the most delicate of hugs but they are always so meaningful. Tzuyu's always been good at making anyone feel good and comforted and loved and missed. She's missed her so much it makes tears prick in the corners of her eyes when she hugs her tighter.

But then Tzuyu pulls away and she notices.

"Nayeon didn't show up," it's not a question, it's a statement.

Sana makes a face. "We waited for her."

She doesn't mean the pang of disappointment that she feels or the way her smile drops, but it's still hard to ignore. She should've known anyway. Nayeon never keeps her promises.

"Dahyun..."

She shakes her head and puts up a smile for her friends. "Let's go to the kitchen."

The awkward silence lasts approximately three seconds because Jihyo starts gushing about Mina's slightly round belly, effectively taking the attention off of Dahyun's scold. She feels so silly for believing even for a second she was even going to show up, so she tries to ignore the disappointment that washes over her when she stares at the empty seat across the table.

Jeongyeon notices anyway (because of course she does), and while Chaeyoung basically clings at her she leans towards Dahyun with a slight purse of her lips (probably mad at Nayeon right now) and places a hand on her shoulder.

"She's an asshole," she says, low enough for Dahyun to hear.

Dahyun grimaces. "Yeah, she is," and then because she feels a little too sad she adds, "she promised me."

Jeongyeon squeezes her shoulder in silent comfort. "I'll kick her ass when I see her next time. Just for you, okay?"

Dahyun giggles and nods, grateful for how much Jeong cares. She always does but it feels especially nice right now. She doesn't even know why she's so sad this time; maybe because she thought maybe she'd get some closure, something to put an end to that confusing and complicated part of her life (The chapter in the book inside her head titled "Trials and Tribulations of the Relationship of Im Nayeon & Kim Dahyun"), but it seems like she's still chasing and Nayeon is still running.

It's after an hour that Mina starts complaining that she and the baby are hungry, and no one really opposes to having dinner a bit earlier just for her. She and Jihyo talk about pregnancy the entire time because Jihyo is a bit obsessed with being a mother and she even comments on how much she misses the belly some days (mostly because she can't stand the constant yelling. But also, motherhood and stuff); Mina and her share stories about cravings and weird little habits they developed while carrying and Jihyo even talks about the delivery, which has Chaeyoung looking absolutely horrified.

"I'm never having kids," she shivers. "Ever."

Momo nods with a mouth full of noodles. "We know."

"What does your girlfriend think about that, Chaeyoung?" Mina asks. It doesn't sound like she's prying, but she probably is. "Does she ever want kids?"

Chaeyoung tenses a bit. "... I don't really know."

Jihyo rolls her eyes slightly. "You don't even have to be pregnant, that's the part that scares you," she reasons. "You could just adopt. Or she could get pregnant."

"Well," she swallows. "I guess adopting wouldn't be bad."

"I wouldn't mind being pregnant," Jeongyeon says, softly. It looks like she wants to comfort Chaeyoung. "Or adopt. It'd be nice."

"Jeongyeon would be a good mom, don't you think?" Jihyo asks to no one in particular, smiling ear to ear. "You'd teach them to be responsible."

"And Chaeng would be a cool parent, right?" Dahyun giggles a little, reaching for the bowl of soup to fill it. "You'd let them experiment a lot. Your kids would run around in makeup and camouflage and little tutus."

Chaeyoung is blushing. "Ah, I guess so..."

"Jeongyeon would force all of her kids to clean," Momo purses her lips slightly. "Remember how much she'd make us clean in the dorm?"

Sana breaks into laughter when Jeongyeon tries to defend herself, giggling as she starts speaking. "Remember when Tzuyu left her dishes unclean and Jihyo was begging at her to clean them up because Jeongyeon would get kill her if she didn't?"

"Oh my God," Jeongyeon rolls her eyes when everyone starts screaming over each other to tell their worst Jeongyeon clean-freak stories. "I wasn't so horrible."

Tzuyu nods, smirking into her ramen. "You were horrible."

"But you'd be a good parent!" Jihyo tries to comfort her. "Kids need discipline when it comes to chores. Of course, you'd be playing pranks on them all the time."

"Ah, Jeongyeon Unnie with a little kid would be so cute," Sana coos slightly. She's right, Jeongyeon is really good with Jihyo's kids (she doesn't tell anyone, but Dahyun knows they call her the cool aunt, Chaeyoung is the weird aunt and Dahyun is the nice aunt. They haven't met the others a lot since they don't live in Korea anymore, but she knows they call Sana kissy auntie) even if she doesn't really want to admit it.

Tzuyu hums. "Plus you're dating now, aren't you?"

Jeongyeon's eyes widen a little, then they immediately drop to Jihyo, who pretends to be sipping soup and avoids Jeongyeon's murderous glare. No one acts surprised, so Jihyo definitely told everyone.

"You told them?!"

Jihyo cringes. "I was just so happy..."

"I'm gonna kill you," she groans, covering her face with her hands to hide her blush. "I'm never telling you another secret again."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Unnie!" Sana nods enthusiastically, reaching to uncover her hands. "We're really happy you're dating. But..."

"I'm not saying who."

Sana's smile drops. "You're no fun."

Dahyun pouts a bit too but doesn't participate in the extensive interrogatory that follows after. Tons of, _do we know her? do we know what she looks like? do we like her? is she funny? what color is her hair? does her name start with a vowel or a consonant?_ that Dahyun doesn't fully have the energy to participate in, and neither does Chaeng. They did the same thing to her last year too, so she stays completely silent, sipping on the warm tea she asks Dahyun to make her. She does look very interested in whatever Jeongyeon's answers are though.

"Do you love her?" Mina asks, because of course she does. She's a romantic to death.

Jeongyeon doesn't hesitate when she answers – if anything, she looks very determined. "Yeah... yeah, I love her very much."

(Of course everyone starts cooing at that, and if Dahyun sees her eyes drop to a certain rapper who blushes up to her ears and something suddenly clicks, she doesn't say anything. It's none of her business anyway).

By the time the interrogation is done everyone is asking Dahyun for some tea, and she happily obliges as she listens to her ex-members chat about their life, their projects and how much they've missed being around each other. She basks in their presence, just listening as the kettle squeals.

Dahyun feels like the world is a little more at peace when she's around her members, like she's where she's supposed to be. It feels lonely to be apart from them. Sometimes she wants to jump leave everything behind and ask all of them to move in with her again, but she knows that's not possible – all of them have lives of their own now; Jihyo has a family, Jeongyeon is an actress, Momo, Sana and Mina are popular hosts in Japan. Sometimes... it feels like she's the one who's still living in the past. Like she can't move on. She's not dating, she's not working at the moment, and she has no family. She lives alone in a cottage in a little town and goes to church and that's pretty much it. And she's turned down the thousands of job offers as a variety host she's gotten ever since disbandment, choosing to only make special appearances.

She likes the quiet life... she thinks. She's not so sure what she likes these days. She frowns slightly at the thought; she doesn't want to think about it too much, so she turns her attention back to her friends, although she stares at the window beside the table a little too intently while her own tea grows cold.

The sky outside has grown dark, and the stars are shinning. But before she can say anything, the doorbell rings. The chatter stops, and Jihyo frowns.

"Who the Hell is outside at this hour?" she asks, holding the mug closer to her chest.

"Don't open," Sana says, looking a little frightened. "This is how horror movies start."

Jeongyeon snorts. "Did anyone kill anyone last summer?" Chaeng giggles and hits her across the arm despite looking a little scared herself.

"It's too late to be good news..." Mina trails off, uncertain. 

"Nothing ever happens here," Dahyun rolls her eyes at their concern, standing up to walk to the living room. "I'll open the door. Protect yourselves with kitchen knives if you want."

"Don't tempt me," Tzuyu comments.

It is a little strange that someone would come knocking at her door at approximately eleven PM, but she doesn't think much about it – it's probably a delivery guy who got the address mixed up or something. She opens the door with a slight frown on her face.

"Hi," Nayeon says, as the moonlight contrasts on her face.

Dahyun's mouth suddenly dries up completely, and she knows she must look like she's just seen a ghost and that the color has drained from her face because she feels like it. Nayeon is giving her an apologetic smile but she doesn't look happy, if anything she looks ashamed and a little sad. They lock eyes.

Dahyun feels like someone has glued her in place; like what's happening right before her eyes isn't real.

"What ...?"

"Sorry for running late," she swallows. She probably expected a warmer welcome. She hasn't seen her in almost five entire years, and seeing her there is almost, if not entirely, surreal. She has long wavy brown hair that cascades down her shoulders, and she's wearing an oversized coat and she's holding a pink suitcase that practically screams her name.

Dahyun is about to ask her why she was late, but suddenly Sana is yelling _NAYEON!_ and running through the room to tackle the later in a bone-crushing hug, soon followed by the others in a similar fashion. Dahyun can't... can't bring herself to hug her yet. So she just stares. And Nayeon stares back. It feels like yet another game of cat and mouse, each of them daring the other to do something; anything.

"Took your sweet time, didn't you?" Jeongyeon purses her lips in annoyance in the middle of their hug. "We thought you weren't coming."

Something tells Dahyun Nayeon thought the exact same thing.

Momo nods. "We waited for you for like an hour at the airport."

"Plane got delayed," she shrugs when she pulls away. "But I'm here, aren't I? And I'm starving. Plane food is disgusting."

"We just ate," Mina explains, as they all step back into the house. "But there's still some noodles and kimchi. And we can heat up some rice cakes too, can we, Dahyun?"

Dahyun's been pretty much frozen the moment Nayeon arrived, and only Mina's comment snaps her back to reality. The eight of them stare at her expectantly, waiting for an answer – her eyes involuntarily fall on Nayeon's, who has the same expectant look on her face. But there's that same something she has never been able to place dancing in her eyes... Dahyun shakes her head slightly just to shut herself up.

"Ah, yes," she confirms. "It's not a problem."

The girls lead her to the kitchen, all but Tzuyu and Chaeyoung who stay behind with her. She's still holding the door open like she's expecting someone else to walk in when Tzuyu places a hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" she asks. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

 _I have_ , she thinks. "Yeah, I'm..."

"... just tired," Chaeyoung finishes for her, sensing the lie. She knows her like the back of her own hand.

"Exactly," she nods, swallowing a lump inside her throat. Tzuyu squints at her the way she does when she's suspicious and she doesn't believe her which she probably doesn't, because if Chaeyoung knows her like the back of her hand Tzuyu knows her like she's her own palm.

But she doesn't push it, she squints for a second longer and then shrugs. "If you say so."

(Dahyun is pretty sure the conversation isn't over.)

"Close the door," the shorter girl reminds her, but Dahyun frowns slightly.

"Huh?"

"The door," Chaeyoung explains, an eyebrow raised and her eyes pointy. "You're still holding the door open." 

Then the cold wind from outside suddenly hits her in the face like a slap and she remembers she left the door open for some reason; that she still has her hand in the doorknob.

"Oh yeah," she chuckles a little bit uncomfortably, shaking her head like she didn't realize she had her wallet in her pocket. She quickly closes the door before more chilled air can enter the house.

Chaeyoung purses her lips and shares a look with Tzuyu, her _other_ other half, who stares back at her in the same way. Dahyun places her hands on her hips.

"It's nothing," she assures them, annoyed.

Amused (probably at her lack of acting skills; although Dahyun will swear to her grave it's really nothing), Chaeyoung nods. "Sure."

"Dubu!" Momo yells from the kitchen. "Where do you keep the olive oil?!"

"Gotta go before Momo burns my kitchen down," she stares pointedly at her friends. "Now, if you'll excuse me."

She walks back into the kitchen to find Momo and Sana going through her cabinets, and with a slight slap to their wrists she sends them back to the table and they happily oblige, sitting down next to Nayeon and talking her ear off (as Momo and Sana usually do). Nayeon is sandwiched between them, happy for the attention. Dahyun quietly steals glances their way as she heats up leftovers.

She tries not to think too much about it, but she can't. When she sees Nayeon sitting on her table, on _her house_ , it almost feels like she's in a dream. She's almost forgotten how her laugh really sounds, like it's a distant memory that's unlocked when she hears it again for the first time in years. Dahyun trails her eyes over her face and tries to piece it together with the Nayeon she's last seen. She looks a little older (but all of them do) and her eyes are a little sleepy, probably from the late flight, and her light brown hair is disheveled. Her round cheeks look a little less round, a little hollower. Nayeon helps herself with her food as the others ask for updates, and Dahyun sits in the far corner of the table and listens.

“When are we going to meet this English guy, Nayeon?” Jihyo pouts slightly when the topic is brought up. “It feels like you’ve been dating forever and we still haven’t met him.”

“I’ve just been dating Rick for a year,” Nayeon rolls her eyes fondly.

“Still, a year is a lot!” She frowns. “You’ve all meet mine, and Mina’s.”

“Yeah, but you’re both married,” Chaeyoung points out. “And I met Mina’s at her wedding last year.”

Dahyun smiles slightly at the memory of Mina’s wedding. They had all been maids of honor, and they had all cried. Nayeon hadn’t showed up for the wedding (she’d only showed up to Jihyo’s, but that had been a whopping four years ago, maybe five) because she had a business trip, but she’d sent Mina a bouquet of flowers and paid for her Honeymoon, so no one had been overly mad. Except for maybe Dahyun.

Mina blushes slightly. “That’s true.”

“Well,” Jihyo continues, paying them no mind. “She still met Mina’s spouse before they even got married.”

Jeongyeon hums, nodding in acknowledgment. “She’s right.”

Momo points an accusatory finger Jeongyeon’s way, “You can’t say shit! You won’t even tell us who your girlfriend is!”

Chaeyoung groans. “Not this again…”

“Children, stop fighting,” Sana raises her hands. “We’re here to bully Nayeon into revealing her relationship status. We need to keep our priorities straight.”

“Oh my God, shut up,” Nayeon rolls her eyes, laughing as she hits her slightly with her elbow, but it quickly dies out and she grows serious. She tenses up a little when she nods after a brief pause. “He asked me to marry him.”

The table erupts in roars, questions, squeals and gasps. Dahyun freezes, teacup almost falling from her hands.

Among the chaos, Jihyo manages to speak the loudest. “What did you say?!”

“That I’d think about it,” she nods, staring at her teacup, warming her hands. “I haven’t said yes or no. It’s a little overwhelming, you know?”

The squeals and screams die off after that, and there’s a somber atmosphere in the air. Or maybe it’s just somber because Dahyun feels like her chest weights twenty pounds more than it usually does and she might or might not pass out if she blinks too fast.

“Nayeon…” Mina whispers.

“You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want,” Tzuyu reminds her, softly.

Sana nods quickly in support. “She’s right, you know? You have to do what you want and what you think it’s best for you.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Nayeon sighs, putting down her cup. “And he’s amazing and really kind and he makes me laugh but I’m... I’m always waiting for - ugh, I don’t even know. I always want what I don’t have, I guess. I’m always wondering.”

Jeongyeon reaches across Momo to place a hand on hers. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.”

Nayeon bites her lip and nods. “Thanks.”

Dahyun can’t understand why her eyes grow heavy, why she feels like her heart is stuck inside of her throat; but something feels like it’s holding her down, something that makes her feel like she’s heavier and like her knees might give up on her if she stands up. But no one is really in the mood to speak after that, so she bites into her teacup when she sips and ignores how much she feels like a ticking bomb to guide the girls upstairs where the guest rooms are.

There’s only one of them and then Dahyun’s own, so they decide to split the two groups into youngest and oldest – so she ends up sandwiched between Chaeyoung and Tzuyu while Mina sleeps hugging Tzuyu’s back, snuggled against her and holding her tummy.

Still, despite feeling like she’s complete, her heart feels heavy. With want, with loneliness, with loss. She closes her eyes and wishes for sleep.

Momo suggests going to the lake during breakfast.

“It looks so pretty,” she coos. “And we can take really good pictures there, for the fans. I bet they are waiting for us to post pictures of our yearly reunion.”

“Not a reunion!” Jihyo reminds her as she licks off the marmalade from her tum. “A sleepover.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, sleepover party.”

So that’s how they all end up crushed and tangled inside of Jihyo’s and Dahyun’s cars on their way to the lake even though it’s almost the end of summer and the cold’s already settling in their bones without even arriving at the place. Dahyun drives Jeongyeon, Momo and Tzuyu while Jihyo’s stuck with Nayeon, Mina, Sana, and Chaeng in her (soccer mom) van.

Luckily it’s only a fifteen-minute drive to the lake, there are not many people and the sun is shining acceptably, so the cold doesn’t bite as much, although Dahyun still uses the towels to wrap them around her shoulders to keep herself warm. Momo immediately runs to the water with Sana in tow, while Mina watches them with a frown on her face.

“You’re both gonna get sick!” she yells after them, but they pay her no mind while they splash each other. She rolls her eyes.

Tzuyu and Jihyo are talking in the far end of the lake, walking near the shore with their shoes off. Beside Dahyun, Jeongyeon is sitting on the floor where she placed a towel, Chaeyoung resting her hand on her shoulder while Nayeon is laid down on her legs, playing with Jeongyeon’s strands of hair like she’s a cat.

It’s peaceful. For a moment, Dahyun can forget about yesterday.

“Did you miss Seoul, Miss Worldwide?” Jeongyeon teases Nayeon, who just chuckles.

“Yeah,” she nods. “Well, yes and no.”

Chaeyoung snuggles closer. “What do you mean?”

“I have lots of good memories,” she explains, “but also some I’d like to forget.”

“We all have those,” Jeongyeon’s usual amused stare softens slightly.

“Is that what inspired your song?” Chaeyoung asks.

Nayeon takes at least two beats of silence before answering, “Yeah.” She doesn’t say anything more, but the answer weighs down on Dahyun for some reason.

“I really liked the music video you made,” she hears Chaeyoung comment. “And the song is lovely.”

“Really sad, too,” Jeongyeon pouts slightly, looking down at the girl resting on her legs. “ _The things I never said to you_. So depressing.”

Dahyun swallows, remembering she hasn’t even heard it. Nayeon pays her no mind though, she smiles slightly.

“Thanks,” she replies. “I wrote it when I was sad, so, duh.”

And because it seems like Chaeyoung is feeling courageous she asks, “Who is it about?”

Dahyun tries to stop herself from looking at her, but she can’t help it. Her eyes look down at her from where she’s standing up, but Nayeon just blinks up at Chaeyoung and besides looking a little uncomfortable, she doesn’t even notice Dahyun is there.

“Nobody,” Nayeon answers.

Dahyun looks away.

Jihyo is back soon, and Momo runs out of the water so she can finally get that picture before Mina and the baby start asking for the sandwiches she has hidden in her backpack for lunch. They ask Tzuyu (for the simple reason that she has the longest arms) to hold the phone, Dahyun is posing next to her while Chaeng places a kiss on her cheek for the picture, and with a couple of snaps Momo finally seems to be satisfied.

“We’ll take another one later, in front of the lake,” she nods. “But we’ll have to ask someone to take it for us so it’s a full-body one.”

Chaeyoung and Nayeon seem excited about that (because they have always been the two most addicted to selfies/pictures after Momo and probably Sana), but Jeongyeon just groans.

“I think it’s time for lunch, right?” Jihyo asks, scratching the back of her head. Mina groans, holding her stomach.

“Yes, please.”

They eat lunch when she comes back from the car with a bag full of food and sandwiches and they laugh, giggle and tell stupid stories about their trainee days that have Jeongyeon rolling around in laughter. Dahyun lets herself bask in the way the sun shines, and the peaceful calm that comes with it; pays no mind to the pair of eyes that feel like they are digging into her back. She knows whose they are.

Of course, it’s Jeongyeon’s idea to get drunk later in the night after dinner. But no one really says no, so it’s more a group thing that her fault. Social pressure and all.

“I’m not holding anyone’s hair while they throw up,” Jihyo shakes her head form the sink where she’s washing the dishes. “So control yourselves, beasts. Yes, I’m talking to Chaeyoung.”

“That’s not fair it only happened two times –”

Dahyun takes a sip of beer. “And I’m not cleaning up any puke!”

So they end up in the guest room where the Unnies are staying, screaming in laughter at each other, eating peanuts and drinking beer and some Japanese vodka and Saki Momo managed to smuggle through customs because she’s a little insane. Sana makes a joke about her being in jail and Dahyun almost falls off the bed.

Chaeyoung spends the night trailing shapes in Jeongyeon’s arms while the other goes on full girlfriend mode and checks up on her every two minutes (while she spends the rest of them making fun of everyone) asking how she’s doing and placing what she thinks are casual kisses to her forehead. Jihyo and Mina choose not to drink (although Jihyo looks like she desperately wants to, but she still prefers to keep Mina company so she doesn’t feel so alone because, quote on quote, she knows how it feels), while Tzuyu becomes a loveable mess while drunk and she goes around telling everyone how much she loves them and stumbling over her words.

And Nayeon is whispering stuff about Chaeyoung to Jeongyeon’s ear, things that make the other hit her across the shoulder, and then she’s joking with Jihyo and giving Mina awful baby name suggestions. Nayeon’s hugging Tzuyu and brushing her hair with her fingers; talking about tattoos to Chaeng and taking pictures of Momo and Sana and. She’s everywhere. In her kitchen, in her dreams, in her life; but she’s never _with_ her. She never approaches her. She only looks at her when she thinks she isn’t looking, when she thinks she won’t notice.

Dahyun’s in the process of untangling herself off of one of Tzuyu’s bear hugs when Nayeon’s phone starts ringing. Nobody pays much attention except for her, but Nayeon’s eyes give her away because of how they widen slightly when she reads the name on the screen. Dahyun bites her lip.

“Oh shit, I gotta take this,” she says, slurring. Nobody pays her any attention as she steps out to the balcony.

“The English white guy, probably,” Tzuyu slurs into her ear like she knows something that Dahyun herself doesn’t even know.

“What?” She frowns.

“Her boyfriend, dufus,” she pouts. “The guy who’s stealing her away from you.”

“What are you -” she shakes her head as Tzuyu’s face becomes blurrier. “What are you even saying?”

“You’re impossible,” she snores back at her, disentangling herself from her and laying her face on the carpet to sleep.

Dahyun’s too drunk to process this kind of conversation, or too drunk to stop herself from following Nayeon to the balcony. She’s done speaking when she gets there, but she looks sad. She wasn’t sad back inside, and the sight kind of makes something inside of her twist. Nayeon looks up when the door opens but she looks too drunk to even be surprised.

“Dahyun,” she says as a form of greeting.

She nods. “Nayeon.”

No one says anything for a long time, probably a full minute. It’s cold outside, but the stars are shining and it looks beautiful; not like in the city, where they can barely be seen (it’s one of the reasons she moved here, after all). If she stares hard enough she might even forget how miserable she feels; how Nayeon makes her feel like a weapon.

“He wanted to know how I was doing,” Nayeon clarifies.

“I didn’t ask,” she slurs back at her. Dahyun rests her body against the wall and slides down to the floor to sit because she thinks her legs might give up on her.

Nayeon drunkenly giggles. “I don’t deserve him.”

 _I don’t think anyone deserves you_ , she wants to say. She doesn’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult.

“Why?”

Nayeon slides down to sit beside her. She spreads her legs, occupying more space than she needs to, and Dahyun passingly thinks that’s a bit metaphorical.

“He’s a good guy,” she shrugs. “And I always want what I can’t have. I think.”

Dahyun doesn’t really know what to say after that so she doesn’t say anything, just thinks about how this is probably the first time in years she’s been alone in a room with Nayeon. Even before they disbanded – the thought sits bitterly on her tongue. She doesn’t like to think about that. Some days she misses the days where they were forced to pretend to like each other. Or more so, the days they actually like each other.

“Remember when -” a hiccup, “When we sneaked out in trainee days to that park in your bike?”

A smile breaks into Nayeon’s lips, and she starts laughing.

She remembers that day like it was yesterday – it was a hot day of training and they were all sweating so much Dahyun felt like she was going to be sick. Nayeon could tell that she was feeling ill, so she grabbed her by the hand, took her bike and ran off to this random park she’d found in Google Maps and they had both spent the entire afternoon there, feeling the sun and telling each other stupid secrets.

“I never got yelled at so much,” she whines between giggles.

“It was so fun,” Dahyun smirks. “We should’ve done that more.” She isn’t really sure if she means sneaking out or spending time together. Probably both.

“I was kind of a cunt back then though,” she grins again. “Well, I still am, but. You know.”

“You used to yell at those guys who said I was chubby,” Dahyun recalls, softly. “I still remember that.”

Nayeon swallows. “Yeah. It feels like a lifetime ago…”

“I didn’t watch your music video,” Dahyun confesses because she’s drunk and she’s tired of being a graveyard of secrets. “And I didn’t listen to the song.”

Nayeon purses her lips, throws her head back against the wall. “Okay.”

Dahyun tenses for some reason.

“That’s it?”

She shrugs. “I kind of figured,” she says. “You’ve never wanted anything to do with me anyway.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” she frowns, feeling a little less light-headed.

“You never wanted me around, Dahyun,” Nayeon chuckles slightly, her smile a little crooked and sad. Her red lipstick is smeared across her cheek and Dahyun wants to wipe it away. “At least after maybe TT era or something.”

“What?” she reaches to push her slightly with her shoulder. “It was you who never wanted me around. You never wanted to be next to me and you never started anything -”

“Dahyun,” Nayeon interrupts her, and the way she looks at her freezes her in place. “ _You_ were the one who didn’t want me around. _You_ always pushed me away. _You_ didn’t want anything to do with me. You were the one that flinched whenever I was too close; _you_ were the one who’d leave the room when I came in. Then I just stopped trying to be your friend.”

The words die in the back of Dahyun’s throat. Nayeon’s black eyes are shinning even in the darkness of the night; the moonlight doesn’t even reach them, but they are truthful, and as she stares into them Dahyun realizes that maybe it was Nayeon the one who was chasing, and it was Dahyun the one who'd been running all along.

“I don’t…” she says, but it trails off, words lost in the night. “Are we not friends?”

Nayeon stares at her through her lashes, unamused. “Dahyun.”

“I’m serious,” she shakes her head. “Are we friends? What are we?” They’re not co-workers or members and they aren’t sisters… what are they? Are they just nothing to each other? Question marks in each other’s lives?

The thought brings her so much sorrow it weighs inside of her like a fifty-pound rock. The stupid part of her wants to reach towards the older girl, the part that’s drowning in guilt and alcohol and something akin to realization, but she stops herself before she does something she regrets. Although she feels like she regrets everything right now, so what’s with regretting just one more thing?

Nayeon swallows, growing a bit soberer. “I can’t be your friend,” she shakes her head. “We’ve never been friends.”

She feels like crying, and when she speaks it comes out choked up, like a sob.

“Why?”

"Because I was in love with you, idiot," she says, breathless. "Because I am in love with you still."

Dahyun feels her eyes grow big as plates, but she can’t help it. Her entire body freezes in place and it feels like time stops ticking – but then Nayeon’s laughing like it’s funny, although it’s a little harsh and it sounds unpleasant.

She shakes her head. “You can’t fucking tell me you didn’t know.”

Dahyun can’t speak still; she just shakes her head.

“All of the girls know,” she purses her lips, her slurring returning. “All of them except you, obviously. I thought that’s why you avoided me.”

“Nayeon…” It’s all she manages to say. _I thought you hated me. I thought I hated you._

“But I’m going to say yes,” she swallows. “I’m going to tell Rick I’m going to marry him and I’m going to be a fucking housewife or something. How crazy is that?” she chuckles, darkly. “And I’m never coming back.”

Dahyun wants to say something, anything really, but her throat closes up and a whine leaves her instead. She wants to beg her not to leave, for a reason she’s too scared to admit to herself or to anyone. Nayeon doesn’t say anything to that; she doesn’t even look at her. Instead they just sit in silence, although it drives Nayeon up the wall slightly even now after all these years. She taps her feet against the floor while Dahyun tries to come up with a reason to keep it together.

“I hate silence,” she says, whining like a little girl. Dahyun knows she wants to ask her something, but she won’t. _Do you love me too?_

“I know,” she whispers. “I know you hate silence.”

Nayeon is waiting for something. Dahyun can’t give it to her.

They don’t speak the next day. Nayeon is a natural at this apparently, but it’s Dahyun the one who’s changed. Maybe she doesn’t even remember what happened since she was so out of it, and the thought makes her want to puke. She pushes through it because she wants to enjoy the last day she has with her best friends, and she manages to enjoy most of it as long as Nayeon isn’t in sight. They go to a restaurant, they walk around town all day and when they come home everyone is too exhausted to get drunk again.

She does make time for one thing, though. When the girls are distracted enough, Dahyun sneaks to a corner and listens to Nayeon’s song. Maybe because she feels like she owes her. But it leaves her chocked up, vulnerable – Nayeon’s voice is mellow in the melody, and she sings of love. Sings about losing someone who was never yours in the first place and feeling hollow. _Things I never said to you._

While the girls pack their things, Dahyun is left in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes. She doesn’t like to be alone now, much less with her thoughts, so she tries to keep herself busy with anything she can get her hands on. She thinks about picking up the sewing kit she hasn’t used in years later just to distract herself and not think about the song. Or the person who wrote it.

She’s done after ten minutes (record time), and when she turns around she finds Nayeon sitting in the kitchen table, staring at her.

Dahyun doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know what to say, what to be, what she wants, what she feels – all she knows is that her heart feels like it races and it’s heavy inside of her.

She bites her lip.

“I listened to the song,” she says, finally.

Nayeon nods. “Did you like it?”

Dahyun shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t think I was meant to hear it.”

“Yeah,” Nayeon nods, slightly. The air is even heavier than usual between them. “Yeah. You weren’t.”

There’s another second of pause after that confirmation, where Dahyun looks at anything but the kitchen table she handpicked because the girl she might be in love with is sitting there and she might hate her, too. Her hand traces over the kitchen counter.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” Nayeon tells her like she doesn’t know. Or maybe it’s more for herself than for Dahyun. A reminder that she’s going back to London, to someone who isn’t Dahyun and will never be. Nayeon’s eyes look like she’s already accepted whatever doomed ending this is supposed to have, like she knows this is meant to crash and burn.

She swallows, nodding. “Yeah, I know.”

Nayeon looks like she’s waiting for her to do… something. Maybe to finally stop running, but Dahyun can’t. She can’t stop running. She – she can’t stop _now_ , not after all these years. She knows nothing but running.

Nayeon bites her lip. “You’re both of them.”

Dahyun blinks. “What?”

“You’re both,” she says, like it explains everything. “When I told Chaeyoung I had good and bad memories yesterday at the lake. You’re all of them.”

Dahyun closes her eyes, bites her lip, and keeps her mouth shut. She can’t say it, whatever Nayeon wants her to say. There’s like this side of her that can’t let herself ask for things, this side of her that doesn’t want to have things; like she wants herself to live in constant suffering.

But she wants to scream too; there’s the side of her that wants to scream that she might love her too, that she wants her to stay, that she’s sorry. God, she’s so fucking sorry.

Nayeon stands up. “Say something.”

Dahyun opens her mouth, then closes it again.

Nayeon looks like she’s carried the last ten years on her shoulders when she asks, voice choked up, “Do you love me?”

“I…” but she can’t finish the thought. She doesn’t even know what she’d say, anyway.

The older girl walks closer, until she’s in front of her.

“Ask me to stay,” she says.

But Dahyun shakes her head and steps away, cornering herself against the counter.

And what is she supposed to answer to that? She doesn’t want her to go, she wants her to stay, she wants to tell her that she loves her, and she wants to kiss her so bad – she doesn’t care if their teeth clash, if the kiss is sloppy and wet and messy or if there are no fireworks and she doesn’t feel butterflies; she can wait for that. She wants her to stay. She wants her to fucking _stay_. But what can she offer her anyway? A little house in the middle of nowhere where they'll live their life picking up the pieces of their relationship? It's the optimist inside of her the one that wants to ask her to stay. Or maybe it's the selfish part of her, the one that's been running away all this time, wants her to keep chasing for her.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” she says instead. “I can’t ask you to do that, Nayeon.”

“I didn’t get here late because the plane was delayed,” Nayeon closes her eyes and steps away. “I missed my flight. I was so terrified of seeing you again that I missed the stupid plane.”

“Nayeon -”

“I don’t want to hide from you anymore,” she says.

Dahyun wants to reach out and touch her hand; to let her fingers run across her arms gently, but she won’t let her. Nayeon just steps away like she burnt her.

The girls notice how awkward they act around each other the next day. There’s a somber cloud on Nayeon even as she says her goodbyes to Jeongyeon, Jihyo and Chaeyoung who’ll leave together in the same way they came. Dahyun is still trying to keep it together – either for her sake of for her friend’s, she’s not really sure – but everyone can tell she’s pretty miserable.

Chaeyoung and Tzuyu pull her aside before they leave.

“What’s wrong?” Chaeyoung places her hands on her hips, “I know it’s a sad day but you and Nayeon have been acting weird since yesterday.”

She sighs. Dahyun has never been more tired in her life. “Nayeon told me she loves me.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it?” She raises her eyebrows, growing softer. “You love her too.”

“I don’t –” she frowns. “Why would you say that?”

“Because we know,” Tzuyu points out.

“How would you even know that –?”

“Dahyun,” Tzuyu sighs, interrupting her. “Of course we fucking know. Everyone except you two knew you were in love. You don’t see the way she looks at you, and she doesn’t see the way you look at her.”

Dahyun might as well accept it at this point.

“She told me to ask her to stay,” she bites her lip, the heaviness dragging her down again. She holds her hands over her face before she starts tearing up again. “She asked me to tell her to stay and I _couldn’t_.”

Chaeyoung swallows. “Dubu…”

“I can’t ask her to put a stop on her life for me,” there’s a lump in her throat that makes it hard to breathe. “I can’t ask her to stay with me when she has a successful life without me and a man that loves her and –”

“She loves _you_ , Dahyun,” Tzuyu says. “She wouldn’t tell you to ask her to stay if she didn’t love you.”

Chaeng nods. “Did you tell her?”

“What?”

“That you love her, dumbass,” she says, matter-of-factly.

It’s like there’s a disconnection with what she wants, with what her heart and her friends tell her and with what she thinks it’s right. Like her heart is screaming at her to do something but her mind won’t let her.

“I can’t –”

“Yes, you _can_ ,” Chaeyoung places her hands on her shoulders and stares at her intently, like she’s looking at her soul. “Tell her, you stupid bitch. You love her. Be selfish for once in your life and let yourself have this. Tell her before Jihyo drives her to the airport and you never see her again.”

Chaeyoung and Dahyun stare at each other for another beat of silence while Tzuyu watches it unfold. The thought of never seeing Nayeon again renders her silent.

“ _Go_ ,” Tzuyu says.

And for maybe the first time in five years Dahyun thinks, _fuck it._

She all but sprints upstairs where Nayeon is the last one in the guest room to pack up what’s left of her things. She doesn’t even knock when she gets there, she just throws the door open.

Nayeon jumps slightly but doesn’t say anything when she realizes who she is. She just stares blankly at her.

“Hi,” she says, because she has no idea what the fuck she’s doing.

Nayeon nods and goes back to packing her pink suitcase.

“Are you here to say something?” She hphms, but it sounds more hurt than angry. _I don’t know_ , she thinks. Her mouth won’t open. “I’m not coming back, Dahyun,” she reminds her.

She spends too long just staring at her, inspecting her face like she did the day she got here in the middle of the night and thinking about what Chaeyoung said. She’s so deathly afraid of never seeing Nayeon again – and maybe it's true. Maybe Nayeon will go back to London and be happy and forget all about her, and they'll become nothing but ghosts to one another again. Just blurred out names in each other’s lives. The thought makes her want to throw up.

“Nayeon,” Dahyun has no idea what she’s doing or saying, but when Nayeon turns with an unamused look on her face to stare at her she knows can’t. She can’t let her walk away without knowing. “Don’t leave.”

Nayeon’s breath hitches.

“What - ?”

“Stay,” she feels like sobbing. She walks to her, takes the shirt she’s about to pack in her hands. “This is me asking you to stay.”

Nayeon is speechless as she waits for an explanation, but she doesn’t really have one. She's so close she could kiss her; she feels her breath on her cheek and her coffee eyes drop to her lips for a millisecond and Dahyun craves and craves and _craves_ for something she's not sure she can have. She wants to... she can't put it into words. The mere thought of wanting makes her feel a little dizzy. She feels like that young girl again, on top of a stage, chasing something that's far bigger than what she can understand.

And yet it’s so simple. To want. So, so simple.

There’s something in Nayeon’s eyes that renders the logical part of her finally silent, and she closes the gap to kiss her. She thinks she might not kiss back but she proves her wrong immediately. It’s desperate, hungry, wet and terribly messy like she thought it’d be – their teeth clash with each other more than once, which shakes Dahyun to her core, and the fire in the pit of her stomach roars. She’s not sure if it’s an ending or a start, but she feels like she’s searching for either of those even when they pull away.

“I don’t want to go,” she breathes.

Maybe Dahyun is doomed to be selfish. “I don’t want you to go. I’ll miss you.”

Nayeon stares a bit, almost like she can't properly believe her. There's that look in her eyes, the same she had in the balcony last night that makes Dahyun want to wrap her arms around her neck and never let her go.

"Will you?"

She hates herself for crying, but she can't help the tear that leaves her and trails down her cheek. "Of course I will."

 _I always miss you_ , she thinks, and it's true. All those years she spent apart she has simply and inexplicably missed her terribly, like she’s always been searching for something that she knows isn’t there; and all those years they spent together, the ones where Dahyun felt like Nayeon hated her – she missed her then as well, because it always felt like she wasn't there anyway. And even now, this weekend, she's only completely felt there last night when she finally told her the truth, drunk out of her mind. _I've missed you when you were next to me too._

She looks like she wants to do something again – maybe reach towards her and wipe the wet trail her lonely tear left, but Dahyun doesn't think she will. Although she always thinks she won't and she does, so she guesses she's already proved her wrong most of the time.

“You have the worst timing in the world,” Nayeon chuckles, deep. Dahyun closes her eyes as she snorts slightly. Nayeon lets her rest her forehead against hers.

“I know. But stay,” she whines, holding her face with her hands to keep her close. “Stay with _me_.”

(It's not everything she wants to say, but it's a start. Maybe that's what matters the most.)

She holds her breath, but this time she knows why.

“I’ll stay.” Nayeon nods, her voice soft and a little broken. 

Something inside Dahyun tells her this must be the ending she was looking for, because when Nayeon reaches to kiss her once more she feels like she can finally breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> the ending was going to be way worse omg  
> follow me on twitter @/seratoninz


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